Dear Double Take,

My boyfriend of over two years broke up with me a little over a month ago. I graduated from college a year ago and he still has one year left of college. I have started my career, am making a good salary and will be moving into my first apartment in a couple of months. When I started working full time last fall is when things became more difficult in our relationship. He also moved into a house with an acquaintance and suddenly became really close with him and his friends, and I wasn't included as part of their circle.

Well, we were going through a particularly rough patch recently and he said that he needed some space to figure things out. He told me that he felt he wasn't giving me what I needed. He said I made him happy and I was the best thing in his life, I was everything he ever hoped for in life, but he needed to find out what makes him happy himself and grow up before he could give me everything I wanted. But he said he wanted everything to remain the same, still talking all the time and doing everything together, but as friends. He said that I was his best friend and he wasn't going to lose that.

I asked him if he wanted me to wait for him, and he reminded me that he waited for me when I needed time at the beginning of our relationship. So I told him that I would wait for him to go through his thing and he was very happy.

Our families think that we are still together, but taking a break trying to figure some issues out. He told his friends that we were broken up and working on being friends for now. He says that the dreams we had for our future together are still there, but they are not part of his present plans. He doesn't want to date anyone else and neither do I. We are still having sex, but he doesn't want to make that our relationship; it's a benefit of our friendship. He says that he doesn't want me to go out and have sex with anyone else, not just while we are doing it, but ever. He says that his ideal is that he would be the last man I ever make love with and vice-versa. But if a handsome man who is also earning a living were to come along and want to date me, he told me to go for it. I told him he was crazy and that I just wanted him for who he is.

We've been doing more things together the past couple of weeks, but then the other day he said that he felt awkward about us. He then told me that he doesn't think that I'm his best friend anymore, but his roommates are. He told me that I am his kindred spirit and his spiritual guide. He said that he is reluctant to incorporate me into his life like his other "best" friends because of our history together.

What he said about me not being his best friend after two years of being just that was like a slap in the face. I felt humiliated and for the first time in two years told him I needed space and that I wouldn't be coming over for a while. He seemed very upset. But this past month has been too emotional for me trying to figure out what is going on, so I feel he deserved that.

I feel like he is the one for me, I love him very much, and he is constantly telling me how perfect I am and how much he loves me, even now. But I'm not sure what I should do. I feel like I'm about to go crazy. Should I stay and wait it out, or am I just hanging on to something that is over?

ALANA SAYS:

Yikes, lady. That's quite a story -- and I'm sure it looks familiar to more than just one of us (um, me).

You know that oldies song "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"? I'm convinced it refers more than just having "the talk." Actually separating yourself from someone you're used to spending huge amounts of time with is awful. It seriously requires not only strong emotional detachment, but physical distance -- which often changes your lifestyle more than you'd like.

SURVEY Have you ever continued having sex with a significant other after you've broken up? Yes, it was a great way to say goodbye. Yes, and we ended up getting back together. Yes, but it was a horrible idea. No. Results | Disclaimer

1) I graduated college while I was dating a still-student. The transition was too much to handle -- we hardly ever saw each other, and I made new friends who he had no interest in getting to know. After a lot of not-well-communicated fights and personal agony, I broke things off completely. And he went a little psycho ... but that's a different story.

2) My first love was very hard to get over. He had completely charmed me, even though I knew deep down he was probably a jerk (as my friends and family kept telling me). It took several months months after the breakup -- and a move to a different city -- to finally stop the "we're only friends but having sex" thing. It just wasn't healthy, especially in retrospect. And, come on, those of you who have been in that situation know that continued sexual activity isn't helping anything.

So what's the point of these stories? Here's the nutshell: People change. Lifestyles change. Compatibility changes. Sex after breakups doesn't do anything but keep you emotionally attached, which isn't good.

Move on. Take a big step back, get involved in your new life, and leave him where he is. After a month of complete separation, re-evaluate your feelings. I'm betting you'll think everything's right with the world, and he will, too. And maybe sometime down the line you can be friends again -- after you're sure that you're both emotionally detached.

Or, hey. Maybe I'm completely wrong and you two will be married within five years. ... But I doubt it.

EDDIE SAYS:

First of all, don't ever skip Alana to get to me.

Here's the main problem with her advice though -- this business of "a month" of separation. If you say that, here are the thoughts you're liable to end up having: A) "Only 23 days, six hours, 22 minutes until I can call. Only 23 days, six hours and 20 minutes until I can call." B) "Well, we said a month but three weeks is probably enough. Maybe just two weeks. Well, a week's a pretty long time."

If you're going to end things with him, you just need to make that tough decision and go cold turkey, and say, "Look, this isn't working right now. We need to be apart for the time being." (And then you can write us later asking how the heck you're supposed to do that when it hurts so much.)

Now, not every breakup has to be completed like that. But I say it because I get the impression you can't do it any other way. I mean, look what's happened so far: You're broken up ... except for the fact that you're still doing it, still hanging out about the same, and many important people don't know about it. That's called not breaking up.

(Just because he "waited" for you once doesn't mean you owe him now; that's not how mature relationships work. You deal with situations as they are.)

Stay together, or don't, but actually do whichever one you're talking about. I don't think this guy's playing you and just keeping you around for the physical stuff. He's probably just as messed up about the whole thing as you are, and can't fight his mixed feelings. So someone needs to step up and make a decision here: If it's you, you'll feel better about it in the long run.

Dear Double Take,

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 23. We have been together four years and every year seems better than the year before. I'm so in love with him. We are moving across the country together so that he can go to school and pursue his goal of being a civil engineer. He asked me to make this move with him.

But why hasn't he asked me to marry him?

I keep getting advice from different people; some say that not everyone has to get married, and that you can be in a committed, loving relationship without the marriage certificate. Some say I should ask him to marry me, and yet others say to wait for him, because since I'm so ready, he obviously isn't, and that it would be best to wait until he comes around. And I keep hearing that, if he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me, he wouldn't have asked me to move with him, because this would have been the perfect opportunity for him to break it off.

What would make him ask me to move across the country with him before he asked me to marry him? I don't know if I'm starting to get anxious or impatient or frustrated or what.

I feel like if I just wait for him to come around, it could be years before we get married. It seems like everyone around me is getting married and having babies and starting families -- except me. I want that for myself, and I can certainly wait for it, but it's starting to get harder and harder. It makes me wonder if he's afraid of something that he's never talked to me about before -- not commitment ... but maybe marriage? I don't know anymore.

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

EDDIE SAYS:

You've been together four years, plan to move to be with him (and, I assume, to live together) and you're not sure if he's afraid of marriage?

You said that you bring it up with him, but never say what he's actually said about that matter. Which leads me to this conclusion about the situation: You are one of those women who thinks that a man will know what he's supposed to do.

Many of our female readers are now laughing good naturedly, as they see where I'm going with this: Men have no idea how to act. I know, I know, this seems like an obvious situation for marriage. He's got a seemingly great girl, and if he were wise, he'd sign you to a lifetime deal.

But we're D-U-M, dumb. Even those who are smart enough to be engineers (and as someone who has lived with many engineers, I can tell you they're often among the dumbest about this stuff).

Maybe you don't need to buy your own ring and push him onto one knee, but you really may need to say something as direct as, "You know, I love you, and I want to marry you soon. In fact, before we move might be great, so we can be somewhere new and be known as a married couple."

That way, at least you'll find out if it's something he's been avoiding, or just something that hasn't occurred to him (trust me, it can happen).

As an aside, regarding your question about why he would ask you to move: Because he loves you and wants you in his life. Consider it a good sign.

ALANA SAYS:

Eddie's right on the money with this one. If your boy asked you to move with him, his intentions are definitely serious.

Don't get yourself so worked up ... the time will come. He's probably waiting to get the cash together to buy you the perfect ring. And if he's a student, that might be a little tough. Or maybe he's nervous that you're not ready.

In any case, to ease your mind, talk to him about it as it applies to you. Pin him down and let him know what you're thinking.

If you're afraid that he'll admit he's afraid of marriage, don't be. He just asked you to move across the country, didn't he? It's more likely that he might think that he should finish school and be more financially settled before saying "I do." If that's the case, tell him you don't think it's necessary, but that you're supportive of his feelings.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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• To Commit Or Quit?
• Axing The Exes
• Live-In Leaves Her
• You Can't Force Relationships
• How Much Is Enough?
• This One's A Nail-Biter
• Dog-Gone Women!
• More Space, Please
• Cold Shoulders, Icy Beds
• Will My Man Ever Change?
• A Hex On His Ex!
• Two Heads Are Better Than One