Dear Double Take,
I am 24 years old and miserably single. Unfortunately, it shows when I meet someone new. In the past two years, I have been actively dating different people. Once I get close to someone, I think "this is it" and begin to pursue a commitment. When I start to do this, the man that I am seeing breaks it off and then I realize that I never had any control over the relationship.

Recently, I was seeing this guy who I felt comfortable with. I did everything by the book; we didn't kiss until the fifth date, we didn't have sex until months into the relationship. Our mutual friends were aware that we were dating and everything was going well. I told my parents about him months later, and they expressed that they wanted to meet the guy who was making me so happy. When I told him about my parents wanting to meet him, he thought our relationship was not serious enough and he wasn't ready for that. To this day, my parents keep asking me about him and I don't have the heart to tell them that I've been involved in another failed relationship.

I realize that I am the type of person who wants to be in a stable relationship; companionship is important to me. I am ready to give up on the whole situation as I have noticed that men have diminished the value of being in a relationship. For instance, you have to pull their teeth just to get them to admit they're dating you in public, years down the line you may become their girlfriend and, goodness, let's not even mention marriage because they'll run for the hills.

Why are guys more satisfied to leave their options open, dating many women at once, and women like me, who want to be in steady relationship, are prone to settle for what they can get?

ALANA SAYS:
Now, now ... let's not overgeneralize. Not all guys are out looking to sow their wild oats as long as possible. I've encountered more than one guy who was very willing to commit.

I've also run into several who can't quite get enough of the dating scene, though. It's all a matter of personalities. Perhaps you're drawn to the guys who just don't want to settle down.

Or maybe it's something else. I understand wanting your guy to tell anyone and everyone about your budding relationship -- but some people just don't work that way. As long as you have confidence in your relationship, it shouldn't matter if he's shy about acknowledging it in public. After all, it's not like you're married.

Maybe he's trying to avoid ribbing from his buddies for a while about his new lady friend. It doesn't hurt to let him know that you don't mind meeting his friends/family, but it's not worth getting upset about -- unless his parents don't know about you after a year. At that point, it may be time to confront him.

Patience is key in a lot of these cases. The more a guy gets used to the idea of you being around, the more willing he'll be to let everybody know about it.

And you're right ... you have to be careful about how you talk about the commitment part of your relationship. These things are scary to a lot of people, and they take some getting used to. The next time you get serious with a guy, let him know you see a future for the two of you -- but don't dive into the details until you know it's mutual.

EDDIE SAYS:
As a guy, I need to let you in on a secret. We have our own, secret language that you ladies know nothing about. We give you hints, so it's not like it should be totally foreign to you.

Like, when a guys says, "I'll be coming to bed in a couple of minutes," what he really means is "I'll be falling asleep on the couch sometime during 'SportsCenter,' and when my snoring finally wakes me up, I'll come right to bed, unless there's a 'VH-1: Behind The Music' on that I haven't seen yet."

And when a guy says he'd be happy to let you pick the movie tonight, what he really means is, "Go ahead and voice your opinion, but if you even think of mentioning 'The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood,' you're gonna have to find another ride home."

And finally, when a guy says your relationship isn't serious enough to meet your parents, what he really means is, "The sex is great -- why screw it up by turning this into a relationship?"

Sorry, the truth's ugly and I don't like it any better than you do, but there it is. You're rolling along, thinking you're in a relationship with these guys, and all along they're thinking about pickup trucks and cheeseburgers and strip joints and the next place they should scratch themselves and their batting average in softball.

And, I'm sorry girls (you too, Alana), but if they're really worried about "ribbing from buddies" then they need to grow up or find some new buddies. Most of us left that Neanderthal behavior on the junior high playground, and those who didn't ... well, do you really want to spend time with them?

You say you spent months with these guys, and after this amount of time -- after the number of dates and long walks and bodily fluids you shared -- they still weren't able to summon the remarkable courage to put down the old caveman club, trade the loincloth for something more fashionable, and call you "girlfriend"?

I'm baffled. Either you've just got incredibly bad luck, and it's bound to turn around any day now, or you've got terrible taste in men and you need to change it on your own. The only thing I can think is that you need to branch out and increase your dating pool, because the guys swimming in yours are emotional midgets.

Dear Alana and Eddie,
I was dating a guy for nine months; we were on and off throughout the relationship as I wanted to be in a steady relationship and he didn't.

Well, to say the least, we broke off our "dating" this month because he has decided that he wants to enjoy his bachelorhood and doesn't want the responsibility of being in a committed relationship. He initiated this break up and I agreed that the feeling was mutual.

I would constantly get upset as he wouldn't call and cancel our dates sometimes. On the other hand, when he would decide to act right, like he wanted to be in a serious relationship, he was absolutely kind, sweet, considerate and wonderful. (He brought me soup when I was sick.)

I am so depressed and sick about our relationship not working out. I know you can't change a man, but I have always believed that a "good woman" would make a man want to change. So, unfortunately, I ask myself "Why was I not the one?" And I thought that he was the one!

I want to call him so baaaad to make sure that this is what he wants, but my instinct tells me to wait for his call; if ever he decides to. How should I approach this situation? Should I be aggressive and go after the man I feel should be mine, or let go because it's not worth fighting for if he is confused about where he wants to be in life?

EDDIE SAYS:
Looks like we've got a theme going here. Forgive me if this sounds a bit harsh, but what part of "doesn't want the responsibility of being in a committed relationship" don't you understand?

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So he had moments when he was nice. So he made you soup. Maybe he sent flowers a few times. Guess what? All that proves is that he knows the difference between how to treat a woman and how not to treat a woman -- which should make you wonder what he's thinking about when he doesn't even show you enough respect to call you to cancel a date.

I'll extend the same advice to you as to the first letter -- move on with your life, preferably to a place where the guys don't take their cues on how a man should act from a commercial for pickup trucks. You can do better. Just have some confidence in yourself, and you will be amazed at how the guys will respond.

ALANA SAYS:
You took a dive into the dating pool -- and it turned out to be a belly flop. It happens to the best of us.

As much as I'd love to believe that this thing could have a happy ending after all -- yes, I really am a romantic -- I have to go with Eddie on this one.

Be strong, friend; stay away from the telephone. You don't really want him to call. Remember how upset he made you while you were dating? Relationships aren't supposed to torment you that much.

Be smart about this; don't let the needy side of your emotions override your practical side, which no doubt is shouting at you to leave this guy far behind.

Take some time off from guys to put things in perspective. After a few months of remembering what it was like to be happily single and re-learning how to keep your mind occupied without the help of an emotionally immature guy, maybe you'll head back toward the dating pool with a better idea of what you're looking for.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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• How Much Is Enough?
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• Cold Shoulders, Icy Beds
• Will My Man Ever Change?
• A Hex On His Ex!
• Two Heads Are Better Than One